Script of the first Ugly trailer spoof

Ugly spoof

A Keyrun Rao original inspired by this:

Opening: Gfx

Darawna Motion Pictures

Fuh se fuck you

Fade in.

Scene 1

Abhishek to Matthew on phone:

Ek narration ke liye jaa raha hoon, chalega kya saath?

Nahin to main Kartik ko bula loonga

Scene 2

In car

Abhishek to Matthew:

Yaar 2mins ruk, chashma banwaane diya hai… lekar aata hoon

Matthew spots Abhishek’s latest script ‘Nakli’ on the car’s backseat

Scene 2-A

Cut to:

A frantic Abhishek looking for Matthew around Araam Nagar / Yari Rd. asking people

Ek kaala aadmi meri script lekar bhaag gaya… aapne dekha usey? Kurta pehna hua tha…

Scene 2-B

Cut to:

Abhishek spots a kurta wearing guy with a script in his hand… He chases him like a maniac. He finally manages to catch him, punches him only to find out it was somebody else…

Close up of the mistaken guy’s script titled ‘Doga ka kya hoga?’

Scene 3

Cut to FWA (Film Writers’ Assn.) office, where Abhishek has come to complain about absconding Matthew

FWA chief / officer to Abhishek:

Bahut bada hero hai… unregistered script ko aise hi gaadi mein chhod ke jaata hai…

Naam kya hai tera?

Abhishek to FWA chief / officer:

Abhishek Pandey

FWA chief / officer to Abhishek:

Yahaan toh Sadabahaar likha hai

Abhishek to FWA chief / officer:

Sir industry ke log aise hi karte hain, ghar pe ek naam aur parde ke liye doosra naam…

FWA chief / officer to Abhishek:

Kyon? Amitabh bachchan ka kya hai naam ghar pe?

(Laughter)

SCENE 4

Cut to:

Phone rings

Voiceover: Script waapas chahiye toh 12 hazaar ka intezaam kar…

Scene 5

Cut away shots of a worried Abhishek who then calls his friend:

Abhishek to his friend on phone:

Yaar hum kisi se 12 hazaar udhaar nahin le sakte kya?

Abhishek’s friend replies:

Dekh hum writer log hain, apne ko kaun udhaar dega? Woh tera co-writer hai na, Kartik, usko bol, who ya toh paise dega ya Matthew ko kahin na kahin se dhoondh nikaalega… BKFPL mein hai na who?

Scene-6

Enter Kartik

Cut away shots of a worried Kartik twirling a ciggy in his fingers

Abhishek & Kartik are sitting in their study room, too brain fucked… Abhishek’s phone rings… Kartik picks up

It’s Matthew on the phone

Tera script tujhko waapas chahiye to 12 hazaar

SCENE -7

Screen splits where producers offering peanuts for their script.

1^st guy: 3 hazaar

2^nd guy: 5 hazaar

3^rd guy: 7 hazaar

4^th guy: 10 hazaar

Random montage shots of tired Kartik & Abhishek looking for absconding Matthew

Scene -8

Cut to:

Kartik-Abhishek’s work-space

Kartik to Abhishek

Paise tere ko hi chahiye na saale? Pichhle mahiney ke rent ka share due hai

Kartik then pushes Abhishek off his chair & Abhishek falls sloppily

Montage shots of heated argument between Kartik & Abhishek

Cut to:

Kartik to Abhishek on phone:

Tera script hai to mera bhi script hai bhenc**d

SCENE -9

Producer to Kartik:

Signing amount le li hai, script kab doge tum log?

Scene-10

Worried Abhishek driving around in his car

Text on screen:

When the writer getS desperate

The desperate writer gets nasty / creepy / evil / monstrous / lonely / miserable / greedy

NAKLI

Fade out.

Ritesh Batra's response to the FFI letter

Director of 'The Lunchbox' responds to the letter he received from FFI.

Email received from the director's PR agency

Dear Sir, 
I just received your letter. Many industry stalwarts have made comments similar to mine but you sent the letter to me, a debutant filmmaker, but I am honoured and proud to speak for my film and team. If an apology is what you demand, you have it. Both you and the jury have my wholehearted apology. 

There was no intent to hurt anyone, but rather to participate in the vigorous debate that this decision ignited in the public domain. 

I sincerely hope that the annual reactions to our Academy selections from the national press, and this year from even the international press, prompt a new policy for the selection. Sir, please use your good offices to give us a transparent, objective process with a public and not a secret jury. It is a direct and humble request, not a criticism. 

I have moved on from this debate to focus on more productive pursuits and I would encourage everyone to do the same. With much respect for your tough job. 

Ritesh

--

Ritesh Batra

Writer/Director

@riteshbatra on Twitter

http://www.riteshbatra.com

The Lunchbox: A brilliant ode to a city, its citizens & cinema above all!

First things first: I am feeling damn hungry. It was about 1:00am when I left Juhu PVR after watching Ritesh Batra's The Lunchbox. I was wondering if I could buy 'bhurji pav' somewhere...

*Struggling writer's sob story alert*

Then it struck me that I have just about enough money to last me for the next few days before some more money comes on the table. I picked up half a dozen pav at the Juhu Circle bus depot. Have some eggs at home, so the sudden indulgent thought of having 'bhurji pav' at Andheri station was curbed.

*Sob story over*

Throughout the way back home, I just kept thinking about Irrfan Khan, Nimrat Kaur & Nawazuddin Siddiqui. And of course, Ritesh Batra, The 'Phata Poster Nikla Director' this weekend!

As usual, this isn't a review; just some thoughts that came up in my mind while I was watching The Lunchbox, and some of those that are cropping up, as I sat down to write this.

I LOVE BOMBAY... Just like the gazzillion others who have found themselves in this city. I am sure everybody who has been touched by this city has his or her own unique story to share about this magical city of dreams. The way I feel about The Lunchbox is somewhat similar to the way I felt after watching my namesake's - Dhobi Ghat: The Mumbai Diaries. Ritesh Batra's love for Bombay is perhaps just as pure & unique (if not more), as Kiran Rao and yours truly as well. Having been in this city for all these years, I have encountered so many people from other cities proclaiming their undying love for Bombay. Some from UP-Bihar, a few from MP, a handful from Delhi and Chennai etc.

If I recollect properly, I have inherited my love for Bombay from my dad. He left this city midway through his career with so much hate, that the love he had for it found its way into my heart. My growing up years were spent in a chawl in Tilak Nagar (Chembur) & legend has it that the only person who could make smile when I started bawling was none other than - Chhota Rajan (who just happened to be our next door neighbour & hadn't hit Big Ticket back then). There's something about Bombay that has seeped so deep down in my soul, I can somehow (mostly accurately) tell if your love for this city is for real, or you are just faking it. At this point I feel I am giving away way too much info that I have been saving for my script, so I will stop this here. Apologies.

It was midway through The Lunchbox, and I was standing out smoking with my friend, waiting for the interval to end. I was gobsmacked and just couldn't believe that something like this could be ever written on paper. My friend on the other hand insisted that everything was written. I asked her, how can  you write how should Irrfan / Nawaz / Nimrat react to a certain cue? And what about the unsaid words,  the unwritten lines... She interrupted, saying, "Everything was written - all that was said, unsaid, written or unwritten. To save face, all I could tell her that it was a 'back-handed compliment'. She grinned, knowing very well that she caught me off guard. Girls I tell you... grrrr

It has been over an hour now since I watched The Lunchbox and I still can't get around to believe that the damn thing was scripted. HOW THE F*%$? I would like to believe that some lucky guy with a high-end spy cam just managed to be there, where things were happening & Lord CineIndra, perhaps pissed by the 100cr blockbusters decided to show us mortals how the hell it is all done. No perversion, no cheap gimmickry, no flying Scorpios or dancing lungis. May be Mr Batra was smoking something interesting that arrived from the hills? He doesn't look like one of those tokers that I have had the misfortune of meeting in the recent past. I think Mr Batra is hopelessly in love with Bombay. Way more than me or my namesake, Kiran Rao.

Don't even get me started about the casting of The Lunchbox. It is the stuff indie wet-dreams are made of. Irrfan keeps getting better, and same is the case with Nawazuddin, but Nimrat took the film to some other level of awesomeness. One would sell a kidney or other vital organ just to see Irrfan & Nawaz in a frame, but who knew I would sell my (sell-out) scripts outside Chai Coffi (Versova) for 100 bucks, just so that I can cast her in ONE film that I make, before I say "Pack up" once & for all. Thanks for Nimrat, Mr Batra!

One of the gazzabazzamillizillion portions that stood out in the film was a sequence when they show a 'dabbawala' being shot while he is going about doing his Harvard-approved-US President-certified daily job. I once got into a scuffle in a local train, and years later wanted to shoot that scene for a short film that I was trying to make. I tried a lot, but then eventually gave up. I thought there is NOBODY who can shoot in a crowded train coming to a halt at a station bustling with people. To accomplish that task, either you should be GOD ALMIGHTY himself, or your last name should be Thackeray, or you should be the love-child of RGV and Anurag Kashyap. If none of those, then I guess you HAVE to be Ritesh Batra at the very effing least.

There are many moments in The Lunchbox... so many of them, that you will feel like revisiting the film for, every now and then. Just the way you feel for a dear old friend who always has interesting stories to tell. There are few exchanged glances, some moments of solitude, some moments of catharsis and perhaps the entire spectrum of magical moments that make cinema what it is for us cinema lovers. I am not talking about the lungi dancers, shirtless super-cop lovers and their ilk. I am talking about those of us, who love cinema in its purest form, the way Gods would have perhaps scripted, shot & edited.

Before I call it a day, I leave you with this pic of my past mid-night snack. Jalo salon! :D

 
  

Ek bagal mein...

Just another try, apologies to Mr Piyush Mishra!

Ek bagal mein maut hogi, doosri mein dhadkanein
Rooh jalti hai aksar, Kaisi teri bataa hai silwatein
Ek bagal mein chhanv hogi, doosri mein karwatein
Lahu khaul chuka hai, jaane kaisi hain yeh khabrein

Ek bagal mein saans hogi, doosri mein hain mehfilein
Khush hain tanha hum, ya raas hai aayin dhadkanein
Kuchh samajh nahin aata, sab theek ho chala hai ya
Kuchh toh baaqi reh gayi hain apni saari  ranjishein

Ek bagal mein haan bhi hogi, doosri mein nafratein
Koi padhega Quran, kuchh keh laayenge qafirein
Koi ek toh so jaayega aaj maut ki hi neend mein ab
Kuchh toh aaj phir bhi dhoondha karenge saazishein

Ek bagal mein chaand hoga, doosri mein parchhaiyaan
Yaad aati hain mujh ko, ab bhi teri woh naadaniyaan
Thoda kuchh tu nikhre, kuchh main bhi aaj chamkoon
Rahengi adhoori phir bhi, shaayad apni yeh kahaaniyaan

Ek bagal mein kuchh dard hoga, doosri mein tanhaiyaan
Itne gehre doobenge hum, yeh kaisi teri hain gehraiyaan
Aaj mujhko jee lene de, thoda sun bhi lene dein aaj tujhe
Yun lagta hai jaise, mit gayin meri toh rooh ki gehraaiyaan

Ek bagal mein...

A humble, yet bastardized version of Piyush Mihraji's masterpiece for Anurag Kashyap's Gangs Of Wasseypur!!! Apologies in place...

Ek bagal mein daaru hogi, duusre mein yaariyaan
Paas mein sutta bhi hoga, aur khoob hongi botiyaan
Talli ho kar maangengey jab muft mein yun rotiyaan
Kahega waiter bhi, khaao mere maalik ki jootiyaan

Hum bewdon ki kismat mein rahengi badi gaaliyaan
Koi hansega kahin khul kar, koi kahega shayariyaan
Jaisi ho marzi khuda ki, roothengi duniya-daariyaan
Beech mein toh hain hi yeh ajab-ghazab kilkaariyaan

Koi hairaan khud se hai, koi toh aaj bekhud bhi hai
Kisine aaj khud ko khoya, koi shaayad mehfil mein hai
Aaj ki baat rehne do, sab hi toh ab nashe mein hain
Koi bakwaas kar raha hai, koi kyon sannaate mein hai

Ek shiqaayat kar raha hai, ke gair ki baahon mein hai
Koi kehta hai yeh ke woh kuchh zyaada nashe mein hai
Hum to peekar yeh hain samjhe, ke sab hi chutiye hain
Ek hi gyaani hai yahaan, jo phir bhi hosh mein kyon hai

Ek bagal mein daaru hogi, duusre mein yaariyaan
Paas mein sutta bhi hoga, aur khoob hongi botiyaan
Noch lo haddi aur boti, kaho tumhaari kahaaniyaan
Hansega hum par, jo dekh paayega ye nishaaniyaan

Maa ne phir khichdi banaayi...

A Keyrun Rao original, humbly dedicated to Anurag Kashyap's Gangs Of Wasseypur!

Roz hi khaate rahey, pet bhi ye bhara raha
Swaad kaun jaanta tha, dhadkan jaari raha
Ek din chakha tha ras, dil wahi mangta raha
Kya tha us mein, jo ab bhi wahin atka raha

Maa ne phir khichdi banayi, humne woh khaayi
Pet toh bhar gaya, ye ajab khushi kahaan se aayi?


Swaad ka toh kuchh bhi pata hi nahin tha humein, 
Bas chup-chaap hum aise hi kha liya karte they
Jab dekha toh jaana ke aise bhi ban sakti hai roti
Khud ko jaane aise kaise samjha liya karte they


Maa ne phir khichdi banayi, humne woh khaayi
Pet bas bhar gaya, jaane ye zakhm kahaan se laayi


Koi achaar se khaata, toh koi namak-mirch se
Hum bas dekha karte they unhey bade duur se
Maange nahin they unka achaar, na unke vichaar
Shaayad sab mila humein is kharaab taqdeer se


Maa ne phir khichdi banayi, humne woh yun khaayi
Pet toh bhar gaya, jaane kyun aankhein bhar aayi

Koi toh naacha achcha tha, kisine gaana bhi gaaya
Par naya kissa kisi ne bhi yahaan kyon nahin sunaaya
Kahaani kya hai tumhaari, aaj humein bhi bataa do
Bahut de chuke hain tum ko, ab bolo kya hai bakaaya


Maa ne phir khichdi banayi, humne woh khushi se khaayi
Pet toh bhar gaya, jaane mera zakhm kab dega dikhaayi?

Zindagi se to maut bhali

A Keyrun Rao Original, inspired by RGV's Satya.

Thoda sa jeete hain, marte zyaada hain,
Dhadkan badh gayi, saansein kam hain,
Hisaab samajhe nahin, hum kahaan hain?
Jalte-bujhte hain, Sote-jagte bhi hain,

Jaane meri ye dastaan kahaan hai chali
Hamesha lagta hai, zindagi se maut bhali
Veeran sehra mein, ek pyaari kali khili
Meri muskaan jaane kyun ab bhi dhali

Thoda ishq hai, ranjishein to zyaada hain
Gham behisaab, khushiyaan kahaan hain?
Behisaab chehron mein, hum khaan hain?
Bikhre rehte hain, kabhi jud bhi jaate hain

Yaqeen kiska hai, sab hi to paraaye hain
Suqoon ki talaash mein khoyi raahe hain
Apna kaun hai, saare hi toh paraaye hain
Koi samajhta nahin, jo mere ishaare hain


Jaane meri ye dastaan kahaan hai chali
Hamesha lagta hai, zindagi se maut bhali
Ek faqeeran jaane kaise mujhe yun mili
Uske ishq mein meri jawaani yun hai jali