Monday, December 22, 2014

Script of the first Ugly trailer spoof

Ugly spoof

A Keyrun Rao original inspired by this:

Opening: Gfx
Darawna Motion Pictures

Fuh se fuck you

Fade in.

Scene 1
Abhishek to Matthew on phone:
Ek narration ke liye jaa raha hoon, chalega kya saath?
Nahin to main Kartik ko bula loonga

Scene 2
In car
Abhishek to Matthew:
Yaar 2mins ruk, chashma banwaane diya hai… lekar aata hoon

Matthew spots Abhishek’s latest script ‘Nakli’ on the car’s backseat

Scene 2-A

Cut to:

A frantic Abhishek looking for Matthew around Araam Nagar / Yari Rd. asking people

Ek kaala aadmi meri script lekar bhaag gaya… aapne dekha usey? Kurta pehna hua tha…

Scene 2-B

Cut to:
Abhishek spots a kurta wearing guy with a script in his hand… He chases him like a maniac. He finally manages to catch him, punches him only to find out it was somebody else…

Close up of the mistaken guy’s script titled ‘Doga ka kya hoga?

Scene 3

Cut to FWA (Film Writers’ Assn.) office, where Abhishek has come to complain about absconding Matthew

FWA chief / officer to Abhishek:
Bahut bada hero hai… unregistered script ko aise hi gaadi mein chhod ke jaata hai…

Naam kya hai tera?

Abhishek to FWA chief / officer:
Abhishek Pandey

FWA chief / officer to Abhishek:
Yahaan toh Sadabahaar likha hai

Abhishek to FWA chief / officer:
Sir industry ke log aise hi karte hain, ghar pe ek naam aur parde ke liye doosra naam…

FWA chief / officer to Abhishek:
Kyon? Amitabh bachchan ka kya hai naam ghar pe?



Cut to:
Phone rings
Voiceover: Script waapas chahiye toh 12 hazaar ka intezaam kar…

Scene 5
Cut away shots of a worried Abhishek who then calls his friend:

Abhishek to his friend on phone:
Yaar hum kisi se 12 hazaar udhaar nahin le sakte kya?

Abhishek’s friend replies:
Dekh hum writer log hain, apne ko kaun udhaar dega? Woh tera co-writer hai na, Kartik, usko bol, who ya toh paise dega ya Matthew ko kahin na kahin se dhoondh nikaalega… BKFPL mein hai na who?

Enter Kartik
Cut away shots of a worried Kartik twirling a ciggy in his fingers

Abhishek & Kartik are sitting in their study room, too brain fucked… Abhishek’s phone rings… Kartik picks up

It’s Matthew on the phone

Tera script tujhko waapas chahiye to 12 hazaar


Screen splits where producers offering peanuts for their script.
1st guy: 3 hazaar
2nd guy: 5 hazaar
3rd guy: 7 hazaar
4th guy: 10 hazaar

Random montage shots of tired Kartik & Abhishek looking for absconding Matthew

Scene -8

Cut to:

Kartik-Abhishek’s work-space

Kartik to Abhishek
Paise tere ko hi chahiye na saale? Pichhle mahiney ke rent ka share due hai

Kartik then pushes Abhishek off his chair & Abhishek falls sloppily

Montage shots of heated argument between Kartik & Abhishek

Cut to:

Kartik to Abhishek on phone:
Tera script hai to mera bhi script hai bhenc**d


Producer to Kartik:
Signing amount le li hai, script kab doge tum log?

Worried Abhishek driving around in his car

Text on screen:

When the writer getS desperate

The desperate writer gets nasty / creepy / evil / monstrous / lonely / miserable / greedy


Fade out.

Friday, December 19, 2014

राजकुमार हीरानी जी का PK देख के लगाया littil littil लिखा littil littil

Let me begin with a confession: I didn't like the trailer of Raju sir's PK one bit. Call me a cynic or whatever else, I just couldn't stand Aamir's look. I thought he was trying too hard for my liking. Add to that the fact that I am a HUGE SRK fanboy for life (And that remains unchanged).  Perhaps the planets changed their positions or some such, and I decided that I will watch PK. So what if I don't end up liking it, and waste a few hours of my life. Not that I am achieving legend-like-status by trying to save whatever little time that I possibly can. It's just that I hate rotting away at the Juhu signal.

I am not giving away any spoilers of the film in this post. The makers have been driving in a suggestion, that #PKaana, but for some unfortunate reason, I couldn't go watch the film under the influence of alcohol. I was sober as a sage, but now that I have watched the film, I thought, chalo yaar, 'littil littil' will not do much harm. RGV's Satya fanboys will grin wide when they read 'littil littil,' the rest of you in Ramgarh, Badlapur and thereabouts - keep guessing. I have watched PK, and I have also had 'littil littil'. If you still want to read ahead, you've been warned.

As promised, I am not telling you about what happens in PK and for what; I am just sharing some very personal thoughts that are cropping up in my 'khopdi ki jhopdi' as I type. My 'nana' was a renowned 'purohit ratna' in his village and used to helm many religious poojas and havanas. After the thread ceremonies of his grandkids, he used to tag us along as 'advaris' (Asst. Directors in cinema parlance). I remember he had taken me once for a 'Naaga pooja' after which the client's wife would be bearing a child. Being the ass*&^$ that I was, I was humming Backstreet Boys' 'I wannit that way,' instead of the mantra I was instructed to repeatedly chant.

Few years later I got to know that the aforementioned client's wife actually DID bear a child.

This was perhaps the first time I questioned the holy thread (janeyoo) I was made to wear for a good part of my pre-post-teen years. My nana passed away a few years ago, but I never brought up this little fact that only I was privy to. I don't think anybody must have thought that I was humming Backstreet Boys' 'I wannit that way' instead of the mantras that I was ordered to chant. Over the years I have began to believe in 'love' more than any other form of religious practices. Watching Raju sir's PK just made me feel that I was headed in the right direction.

One more thing - I am a huge believer in Sai Baba, and I think he is the right guy to ensure that my prayers / calls to The One do get answered. Sai Baba and Piya Haji Ali. You might find it strange, but I find more peace at Haji Ali than at Shirdi, the only reason being the fact that the Shirdi shrine has so much gold all over the roof and walls. The donations that the Shirdi shrine gets on a daily basis can perhaps finance a Karan Johar or even a Sajid Nadiadwala film. Haji Ali on the other side just gives me endless bliss and hope. Aren't we all beggars at the end of the day?

Blessed as I probably am, I have never thought that I am being cheated or somebody is trying to take advantage of my genuine kindness. I give away when I have - whatever that comes to my hand. There have been days when I have felt that I have what I do, just so that I can give it all away. It could be a beggar at a traffic signal, a dear friend, or even somebody I don't know of. One thing I learned early in my life is that you show up here and TAKE - all the time. What is important is to give back. At least that is what Bombay taught me, every single day I have been here.

World cinema literates will perhaps have a million things to say about why PK didn't work for them, but I was one of those guys who didn't bat an eyelid before clapping, cheering or shedding a stream of tears throughout the entire runtime of PK. I watched the film at Chandan - a place which is more of a Haji Ali, and not a Shirdi. Where you don't get preference if you have booked your ticket online or you have bought the tickets in black. Every worshipper is treated similarly. The popcorn and cold drink you get might not be the best you've had, but the 'sajda' moment will be just as gratifying.

Just because I wrote about my tryst with my Gods and Demons, Raju sir's PK is not about that. At least not JUST that. There are many layers to be peeled, and may be one viewing might not be sufficient enough. PK is a subtle reminder that please don't construct your Gods, The Creator is already there… just stop trying to build fences and restrict the goodness of your God to your sect. He has made us all, and he loves us equally; he has planned our journeys and our destinations. Remember to be good and have fun, while the journey is still on. Whatever is within your means, just GIVE BACK.

Don't just TAKE all the time.

Give back.

Love, kindness, smiles, hugs… whatever it is that you've been blessed with, to give away.



Saturday, December 13, 2014

Met the boy that I once was, a thousand weeks ago…

We live in amazing times… Not only can many of us boast of having watched Sholay on the big screen, a lucky bunch of cinema-lovers has even enjoyed ‘Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro’ and ‘Chashme Budduur’ at the theatre. 

Don’t even get me started about those who recently watched Gulzar Saab’s ‘Libaas’ at a recently held film festival. I am writing this piece after coming face-to-face with the boy I once was, while watching DDLJ in a theater, after a thousand weeks of its release.

As a shy, under-confident and a chubby-tubby boy, one doesn’t really know what love is. I was still in the process of growing my first moustache, and the little I knew about this emotion called love were basically stories (usually a bunch of lies) that I had heard from friends who were manlier then, than what I think I have become now. Young lads fighting each other, over their respective GFs wasn’t a completely unheard of scenario, especially in a small town like Indore.

Aditya Chopra’s ‘Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge,’ was my first formal introduction to ‘love,’ and to be honest, I still feel the same way about the feeling almost two decades hence. As the line from the film’s publicity material goes, After Raj met Simran, love was never the same. The QSQT & MPK generations of lovers were fading away, and an entire new breed was waiting for a film that could redefine love for them. DDLJ was just what this new bunch was waiting for.

Goes without saying that I am a HUGE SRK fanboy, and it’s slightly unfortunate that of late the only good thing to come out of his films are the interviews that he gives. Coming back to DDLJ, and the special screening that Rani took me along for - there were murmurs that SRK might drop by during the interval, and there was a general sense of electric excitement in the air at Maratha Mandir. The theatre itself was decked like a ‘dulhania,band-baaja-baraat, all in tow.

The audience comprised of mad-screaming-hyper-charged fans of DDLJ, SRK and Kajol, alike Rani and moi. As it happens with any film with a loyal following like this, one had to strain the ears to hear the lines; it actually seemed like the fans owned the film, not the makers. On cue, the audience would repeat the lines, clap, whistle and cheer, borrowing energies from each other. There were two kids sitting in the row ahead of mine, they were dancing to every song!

It was one crazy experience. And then, somewhere towards the interval, SRK looks at Kajol and says –

Main nahin aaoonga…

I felt sad for Raj and his Simran – That moment reminded me of all the girls whose marriage invitations that I had politely declined. Or at least those who I wished would invite me to their weddings, and I would hopefully, politely decline them. Happy-sad moment it was, and there onwards one doesn’t think of Raj as a bratty rascal anymore. He is a nice guy after all, just like all of us. Wink. Before stepping into the theater I wasn’t sure if DDLJ will still remind me of the boy that I was, way back in 1995.

The DDLJ gen has now made way for the ‘Dev.D’ and the ‘Jab We Met’ bunch of love-struck teens, but last night I was reminded that I am not alone. When Raj says, “Palat,” the grin is still as wide. The ‘chhoti baatein in bade-bade desh,’ still continue unabashed. The patience to sit through a three-hour film might have slightly worn out, but the magical moments of DDLJ still remain, just the way they were, when we first watched it. The entire theater erupted when Raj drops Simran on the dance floor after ‘Ruk ja o dil deewane.

I remember giving up practicing ‘Papa kehte hain,’ on the guitar because playing the DDLJ tune was much easier, and the girls would gather around me immediately.  That’s all it took for an introvert like me, who was a part of an imaginary group called – ‘United Against Girls,’ to become the center of their attraction. I owe that to you, SRK! Thanks to Set Max, I have continued to watch this eternal love story at every given opportunity. Just that I don’t like it when Simran gets a scolding from her dad for falling in love.

As a staunch believer in the Yash Raj School of Romance, I pine for those love stories that have now made way for the 'Gundays' and 'Kill Dils' of today. Perhaps I am getting way too old for my own good. By the way, SRK did drop by during the special screening – the wit and pompous-with-a-self-depreciatory-tinge of humor seems to have developed some visible cracks. The edginess is missing; perhaps he is ageing too. SRK now mostly talks about his growing kids and respecting women. Not that it isn’t the right thing to do; at least not at his age…

For all I know this could be the beginning of my own sweet mid-life-crisis, or I should attempt to write a new love story that will resonate within the hearts of an entire generation or more. In an era when there is almost no taboo left, what will I write that hasn’t been already attempted? I heard that an enthusiastic filmmaker has bought the adaptation rights for DDLJ. Wonder how will it turn out – obviously none of my business, that too at this hour…

Just a parting thought: Time is such a strange thing; it evokes different feelings when measured in different ways. Two decades, twenty-four months and a thousand weeks. Though they are technically the same thing, and the same span of time, thousand weeks sounds like the masterstroke moment of some ace marketing whizkid. These silly outpourings be damned, I did manage to meet the boy I was, back in 1995 – a hopeless romantic and that still remains!

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Laga jaise maut mein abhi waqt hai...

A Keyrun Rao original, dedicated to Sriram sir's 'Badlapur'

Maut ke maayine jaise roz badal rahey hain,
Tere saath zindagi hai, tere bin jaise maut hai;
Maut kya hai mujhe ab samajh bhi nahin aata,
Ya toh zindagi laal hogi, ya maut kaali raat hai.

Marne mein kya badi baat hai, bas saansein rok lo,
Jeene mein hazaaron dard hain, dekho zara jee ke;
Marr ke sab sukoon hai har taraf, jahan bhi dekho,
Khul ke jiya tha pehli baar, tere pyaar ko dekh ke.

Laga jaise maut mein abhi waqt hai, galti ho gayi yaar,
Yaar se yaari bas abhi hui thi, sajda baaqi reh gaya tha;
Sar utha ke dekha to bas andhera chhaaya tha mujh par,
Na thi gehri raat, main akela tha, aur kuchh dhuaan sa tha.

Jeene ke maayine bhi roz badal rahey thay jaane kyon,
Jeena tujh se seekha tha, marna bhi sikhaa deti kisi din;
Tujh se mil kar marna hi nahin tha kabhi bhi mujh ko,
Bhool gaya tha ke yahaan sab hi ko marna hai ek din.

Phoolon sa din jiya tha tere saath har roz, ye kya ho gaya,
Roshni ke pyaar mein ek taara toot kar kahaan kho gaya;
Andhere mein roshni jiyegi kaise koi ab mujhe bhi bataao,
Maut mein abhi bhi waqt hai, mere pyaar ko bhi to bataao.

Laga jaise maut mein abhi waqt hai, zindagi mil gayi jab,
Maut ke baad shaayad sab khatam hai apni kahaani mein;
Zindagi ko to bas aisa tarsa hoon tujh ko mil kar main
Jaise chaandni raat mein ab suraj dhoondhta hoon main...