What a joke...

I still haven't managed to convince myself enough to pay people (individuals or groups) to make me laugh. I keep myself amused enough most of the time.  Also, as a struggling film-writer I am usually broke most of the time, so I would rather spend whatever little I make to pay for movie tickets, buy DVDs, and order a book online, once in a while.

Like all those who spend most of the waking hours on the internet, I knew of AIB since they had started doing podcasts. I didn't particularly like them, so I don't qualify as a fan. Thanks to the BIG names involved, I also knew of the AIB Roast well in advance. I didn't whore myself out to buy the expensive ticket, despite the fact that the proceeds would go to charity.

As they say, charity begins at home. In my case it's usually at some dingy bar in the vicinity.

For me it was just another day, when the AIB Knockout happened amidst a HUGE audience, and it didn't bother my piddly existence one bit. I am sure nobody at the 'roast' missed my absence as well. A few weeks passed by, and I saw the teaser / trailer of the AIB Knockout on the official channel. I swear it had grabbed me by my balls. I hadn't seen anything like this, that too at this BIG a scale.

Like every other creative keeda, I was rubbing my hands in wicked glee. WHAT DID I JUST WATCH? Confession: I have ugly, dark and wicked corners in my khopdi ki jhopdi, but this was something else. For once I regretted not paying people to make me laugh. May be I should have attended the AIB Knockout after all. From whatever little they had shown in the trailer, I thought these guys have collectively created history. HAWAAI FIRING!

A few more weeks later the edited version of the AIB Knockout was put out. I was eagerly looking forward to it. Everyone was talking about it; even the Lokhandwala dudes who usually discuss their workout regimes and protein intake were discussing the show in hushed tones. The roast started with a BANG, and I was laughing like a dervish possessed. 30 minutes into it, and I was getting bored. May be it was my mid-life-crisis, or the jokes were getting too repetitive for my liking.

Same old, same old... There were flashes of genius, but they remained just that - flashes of genius. I felt relieved that I didn't pay to watch that stuff. My wallet jumped out of my drawer and hugged me tightly. The 10 rupees' notes in it started doing ghaati dance all over my study table. BUT that's it. I didn't take to the streets screaming that I was hurt and left cheated. Hell, how could I be cheated when I didn't even pay for it. I knew what was coming my way, and I watched it. END OF STORY.

What prompted me to write this piece is the shit I have been seeing floating around ever since some random fungi decided to express their displeasure over the AIB Knockout on National TV. These jokers have saddened me no end. Every time these regressive fossils open their foul mouths, our country goes back a few decades. I wish we could just shut these idiots up. If anybody needs to be probed or punished, it has to be these peddlers of the pseudo 'sanskriti and sabhyata'.  
 
As far as the AIB Knockout is concerned - Guys, well tried with the roast this time, but expecting much more next time - that is, if you aren't sentenced for life or some such.

What a joke...
         

Script of the first Ugly trailer spoof

Ugly spoof

A Keyrun Rao original inspired by this:

Opening: Gfx

Darawna Motion Pictures

Fuh se fuck you

Fade in.

Scene 1

Abhishek to Matthew on phone:

Ek narration ke liye jaa raha hoon, chalega kya saath?

Nahin to main Kartik ko bula loonga

Scene 2

In car

Abhishek to Matthew:

Yaar 2mins ruk, chashma banwaane diya hai… lekar aata hoon

Matthew spots Abhishek’s latest script ‘Nakli’ on the car’s backseat

Scene 2-A

Cut to:

A frantic Abhishek looking for Matthew around Araam Nagar / Yari Rd. asking people

Ek kaala aadmi meri script lekar bhaag gaya… aapne dekha usey? Kurta pehna hua tha…

Scene 2-B

Cut to:

Abhishek spots a kurta wearing guy with a script in his hand… He chases him like a maniac. He finally manages to catch him, punches him only to find out it was somebody else…

Close up of the mistaken guy’s script titled ‘Doga ka kya hoga?’

Scene 3

Cut to FWA (Film Writers’ Assn.) office, where Abhishek has come to complain about absconding Matthew

FWA chief / officer to Abhishek:

Bahut bada hero hai… unregistered script ko aise hi gaadi mein chhod ke jaata hai…

Naam kya hai tera?

Abhishek to FWA chief / officer:

Abhishek Pandey

FWA chief / officer to Abhishek:

Yahaan toh Sadabahaar likha hai

Abhishek to FWA chief / officer:

Sir industry ke log aise hi karte hain, ghar pe ek naam aur parde ke liye doosra naam…

FWA chief / officer to Abhishek:

Kyon? Amitabh bachchan ka kya hai naam ghar pe?

(Laughter)

SCENE 4

Cut to:

Phone rings

Voiceover: Script waapas chahiye toh 12 hazaar ka intezaam kar…

Scene 5

Cut away shots of a worried Abhishek who then calls his friend:

Abhishek to his friend on phone:

Yaar hum kisi se 12 hazaar udhaar nahin le sakte kya?

Abhishek’s friend replies:

Dekh hum writer log hain, apne ko kaun udhaar dega? Woh tera co-writer hai na, Kartik, usko bol, who ya toh paise dega ya Matthew ko kahin na kahin se dhoondh nikaalega… BKFPL mein hai na who?

Scene-6

Enter Kartik

Cut away shots of a worried Kartik twirling a ciggy in his fingers

Abhishek & Kartik are sitting in their study room, too brain fucked… Abhishek’s phone rings… Kartik picks up

It’s Matthew on the phone

Tera script tujhko waapas chahiye to 12 hazaar

SCENE -7

Screen splits where producers offering peanuts for their script.

1^st guy: 3 hazaar

2^nd guy: 5 hazaar

3^rd guy: 7 hazaar

4^th guy: 10 hazaar

Random montage shots of tired Kartik & Abhishek looking for absconding Matthew

Scene -8

Cut to:

Kartik-Abhishek’s work-space

Kartik to Abhishek

Paise tere ko hi chahiye na saale? Pichhle mahiney ke rent ka share due hai

Kartik then pushes Abhishek off his chair & Abhishek falls sloppily

Montage shots of heated argument between Kartik & Abhishek

Cut to:

Kartik to Abhishek on phone:

Tera script hai to mera bhi script hai bhenc**d

SCENE -9

Producer to Kartik:

Signing amount le li hai, script kab doge tum log?

Scene-10

Worried Abhishek driving around in his car

Text on screen:

When the writer getS desperate

The desperate writer gets nasty / creepy / evil / monstrous / lonely / miserable / greedy

NAKLI

Fade out.

राजकुमार हीरानी जी का PK देख के लगाया littil littil लिखा littil littil

Let me begin with a confession: I didn't like the trailer of Raju sir's PK one bit. Call me a cynic or whatever else, I just couldn't stand Aamir's look. I thought he was trying too hard for my liking. Add to that the fact that I am a HUGE SRK fanboy for life (And that remains unchanged).  Perhaps the planets changed their positions or some such, and I decided that I will watch PK. So what if I don't end up liking it, and waste a few hours of my life. Not that I am achieving legend-like-status by trying to save whatever little time that I possibly can. It's just that I hate rotting away at the Juhu signal.

I am not giving away any spoilers of the film in this post. The makers have been driving in a suggestion, that #PKaana, but for some unfortunate reason, I couldn't go watch the film under the influence of alcohol. I was sober as a sage, but now that I have watched the film, I thought, chalo yaar, 'littil littil' will not do much harm. RGV's Satya fanboys will grin wide when they read 'littil littil,' the rest of you in Ramgarh, Badlapur and thereabouts - keep guessing. I have watched PK, and I have also had 'littil littil'. If you still want to read ahead, you've been warned.

As promised, I am not telling you about what happens in PK and for what; I am just sharing some very personal thoughts that are cropping up in my 'khopdi ki jhopdi' as I type. My 'nana' was a renowned 'purohit ratna' in his village and used to helm many religious poojas and havanas. After the thread ceremonies of his grandkids, he used to tag us along as 'advaris' (Asst. Directors in cinema parlance). I remember he had taken me once for a 'Naaga pooja' after which the client's wife would be bearing a child. Being the ass*&^$ that I was, I was humming Backstreet Boys' 'I wannit that way,' instead of the mantra I was instructed to repeatedly chant.

Few years later I got to know that the aforementioned client's wife actually DID bear a child.

This was perhaps the first time I questioned the holy thread (janeyoo) I was made to wear for a good part of my pre-post-teen years. My nana passed away a few years ago, but I never brought up this little fact that only I was privy to. I don't think anybody must have thought that I was humming Backstreet Boys' 'I wannit that way' instead of the mantras that I was ordered to chant. Over the years I have began to believe in 'love' more than any other form of religious practices. Watching Raju sir's PK just made me feel that I was headed in the right direction.

One more thing - I am a huge believer in Sai Baba, and I think he is the right guy to ensure that my prayers / calls to The One do get answered. Sai Baba and Piya Haji Ali. You might find it strange, but I find more peace at Haji Ali than at Shirdi, the only reason being the fact that the Shirdi shrine has so much gold all over the roof and walls. The donations that the Shirdi shrine gets on a daily basis can perhaps finance a Karan Johar or even a Sajid Nadiadwala film. Haji Ali on the other side just gives me endless bliss and hope. Aren't we all beggars at the end of the day?

Blessed as I probably am, I have never thought that I am being cheated or somebody is trying to take advantage of my genuine kindness. I give away when I have - whatever that comes to my hand. There have been days when I have felt that I have what I do, just so that I can give it all away. It could be a beggar at a traffic signal, a dear friend, or even somebody I don't know of. One thing I learned early in my life is that you show up here and TAKE - all the time. What is important is to give back. At least that is what Bombay taught me, every single day I have been here.

World cinema literates will perhaps have a million things to say about why PK didn't work for them, but I was one of those guys who didn't bat an eyelid before clapping, cheering or shedding a stream of tears throughout the entire runtime of PK. I watched the film at Chandan - a place which is more of a Haji Ali, and not a Shirdi. Where you don't get preference if you have booked your ticket online or you have bought the tickets in black. Every worshipper is treated similarly. The popcorn and cold drink you get might not be the best you've had, but the 'sajda' moment will be just as gratifying.

Just because I wrote about my tryst with my Gods and Demons, Raju sir's PK is not about that. At least not JUST that. There are many layers to be peeled, and may be one viewing might not be sufficient enough. PK is a subtle reminder that please don't construct your Gods, The Creator is already there… just stop trying to build fences and restrict the goodness of your God to your sect. He has made us all, and he loves us equally; he has planned our journeys and our destinations. Remember to be good and have fun, while the journey is still on. Whatever is within your means, just GIVE BACK.

Don't just TAKE all the time.

Give back.

Love, kindness, smiles, hugs… whatever it is that you've been blessed with, to give away.

GIVE.          



  

Met the boy that I once was, a thousand weeks ago…

We live in amazing times… Not only can many of us boast of having watched Sholay on the big screen, a lucky bunch of cinema-lovers has even enjoyed ‘Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro’ and ‘Chashme Budduur’ at the theatre. 

Don’t even get me started about those who recently watched Gulzar Saab’s ‘Libaas’ at a recently held film festival. I am writing this piece after coming face-to-face with the boy I once was, while watching DDLJ in a theater, after a thousand weeks of its release.

As a shy, under-confident and a chubby-tubby boy, one doesn’t really know what love is. I was still in the process of growing my first moustache, and the little I knew about this emotion called love were basically stories (usually a bunch of lies) that I had heard from friends who were manlier then, than what I think I have become now. Young lads fighting each other, over their respective GFs wasn’t a completely unheard of scenario, especially in a small town like Indore.

Aditya Chopra’s ‘Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge,’ was my first formal introduction to ‘love,’ and to be honest, I still feel the same way about the feeling almost two decades hence. As the line from the film’s publicity material goes, After Raj met Simran, love was never the same. The QSQT & MPK generations of lovers were fading away, and an entire new breed was waiting for a film that could redefine love for them. DDLJ was just what this new bunch was waiting for.

Goes without saying that I am a HUGE SRK fanboy, and it’s slightly unfortunate that of late the only good thing to come out of his films are the interviews that he gives. Coming back to DDLJ, and the special screening that Rani took me along for - there were murmurs that SRK might drop by during the interval, and there was a general sense of electric excitement in the air at Maratha Mandir. The theatre itself was decked like a ‘dulhania,’ band-baaja-baraat, all in tow.

The audience comprised of mad-screaming-hyper-charged fans of DDLJ, SRK and Kajol, alike Rani and moi. As it happens with any film with a loyal following like this, one had to strain the ears to hear the lines; it actually seemed like the fans owned the film, not the makers. On cue, the audience would repeat the lines, clap, whistle and cheer, borrowing energies from each other. There were two kids sitting in the row ahead of mine, they were dancing to every song!

It was one crazy experience. And then, somewhere towards the interval, SRK looks at Kajol and says –

“Main nahin aaoonga…”

I felt sad for Raj and his Simran – That moment reminded me of all the girls whose marriage invitations that I had politely declined. Or at least those who I wished would invite me to their weddings, and I would hopefully, politely decline them. Happy-sad moment it was, and there onwards one doesn’t think of Raj as a bratty rascal anymore. He is a nice guy after all, just like all of us. Wink. Before stepping into the theater I wasn’t sure if DDLJ will still remind me of the boy that I was, way back in 1995.

The DDLJ gen has now made way for the ‘Dev.D’ and the ‘Jab We Met’ bunch of love-struck teens, but last night I was reminded that I am not alone. When Raj says, “Palat,” the grin is still as wide. The ‘chhoti baatein in bade-bade desh,’ still continue unabashed. The patience to sit through a three-hour film might have slightly worn out, but the magical moments of DDLJ still remain, just the way they were, when we first watched it. The entire theater erupted when Raj drops Simran on the dance floor after ‘Ruk ja o dil deewane.’

I remember giving up practicing ‘Papa kehte hain,’ on the guitar because playing the DDLJ tune was much easier, and the girls would gather around me immediately.  That’s all it took for an introvert like me, who was a part of an imaginary group called – ‘United Against Girls,’ to become the center of their attraction. I owe that to you, SRK! Thanks to Set Max, I have continued to watch this eternal love story at every given opportunity. Just that I don’t like it when Simran gets a scolding from her dad for falling in love.

As a staunch believer in the Yash Raj School of Romance, I pine for those love stories that have now made way for the 'Gundays' and 'Kill Dils' of today. Perhaps I am getting way too old for my own good. By the way, SRK did drop by during the special screening – the wit and pompous-with-a-self-depreciatory-tinge of humor seems to have developed some visible cracks. The edginess is missing; perhaps he is ageing too. SRK now mostly talks about his growing kids and respecting women. Not that it isn’t the right thing to do; at least not at his age…

For all I know this could be the beginning of my own sweet mid-life-crisis, or I should attempt to write a new love story that will resonate within the hearts of an entire generation or more. In an era when there is almost no taboo left, what will I write that hasn’t been already attempted? I heard that an enthusiastic filmmaker has bought the adaptation rights for DDLJ. Wonder how will it turn out – obviously none of my business, that too at this hour…

Just a parting thought: Time is such a strange thing; it evokes different feelings when measured in different ways. Two decades, twenty-four months and a thousand weeks. Though they are technically the same thing, and the same span of time, thousand weeks sounds like the masterstroke moment of some ace marketing whizkid. These silly outpourings be damned, I did manage to meet the boy I was, back in 1995 – a hopeless romantic and that still remains!

Laga jaise maut mein abhi waqt hai...

A Keyrun Rao original, dedicated to Sriram sir's 'Badlapur'

Maut ke maayine jaise roz badal rahey hain,
Tere saath zindagi hai, tere bin jaise maut hai;
Maut kya hai mujhe ab samajh bhi nahin aata,
Ya toh zindagi laal hogi, ya maut kaali raat hai.

Marne mein kya badi baat hai, bas saansein rok lo,
Jeene mein hazaaron dard hain, dekho zara jee ke;
Marr ke sab sukoon hai har taraf, jahan bhi dekho,
Khul ke jiya tha pehli baar, tere pyaar ko dekh ke.

Laga jaise maut mein abhi waqt hai, galti ho gayi yaar,
Yaar se yaari bas abhi hui thi, sajda baaqi reh gaya tha;
Sar utha ke dekha to bas andhera chhaaya tha mujh par,
Na thi gehri raat, main akela tha, aur kuchh dhuaan sa tha.

Jeene ke maayine bhi roz badal rahey thay jaane kyon,
Jeena tujh se seekha tha, marna bhi sikhaa deti kisi din;
Tujh se mil kar marna hi nahin tha kabhi bhi mujh ko,
Bhool gaya tha ke yahaan sab hi ko marna hai ek din.

Phoolon sa din jiya tha tere saath har roz, ye kya ho gaya,
Roshni ke pyaar mein ek taara toot kar kahaan kho gaya;
Andhere mein roshni jiyegi kaise koi ab mujhe bhi bataao,
Maut mein abhi bhi waqt hai, mere pyaar ko bhi to bataao.

Laga jaise maut mein abhi waqt hai, zindagi mil gayi jab,
Maut ke baad shaayad sab khatam hai apni kahaani mein;
Zindagi ko to bas aisa tarsa hoon tujh ko mil kar main
Jaise chaandni raat mein ab suraj dhoondhta hoon main...


    

Dost bahut hain mere aaj...

A Keyrun Rao original...

Jab chhota tha, toh main akela rehta tha,
Sach mein koi dost hi nahin tha mera;
Shayad main achcha tha ya woh burey,
Ab toh pata bhi nahin kya chal raha tha...

Barson lag gaye mujhe ek dost banane mein,
Ek gaana tha bechaara, kisi ne suna nahin tha;
Ek kitaab bhi thi, sharmeeli aur murjhaayi si,
Ye donon dost baste hain aaj bhi dil mere mein.

Lagta hai dost bahut hain mere aaj sab jagah,
Woh toh aisa hi samajhte hain hamesha se;
Kya main bhi un ka dost hoon, kaun jaane?
Kitaabon aur gaanon se yaari hai ab is tarah.

Raah chalte koi naam pukaarta hai mera,
Kehta hai wo jaanta hai mujhko achche se;
Na toh main usey jaanta hoon, na khud ko,
Khush hua jab mila us ajnabi ko achche se.

Ek gaana tha, aur ek kitaab thi mere paas,
Duur tak saath they mere, koi sawaal nahin;
Thodi khushi, kuchh aansoo saath baantein,
Phir bhi aaj tak koi bandish ya khalish nahin.

Ek khushboo chal padi mere saath raah mein,
Kehte hain Rani hai us jaadugarni ka naam;
Dard ke kissey bahut peechhey reh gaye ab,
Bas usey khoob pyaar karna hai ab mera kaam.

Sabse chheen loon tujhe

A Keyrun Rao original

Saath hue jab se hum
bas ek manant hai meri,
Sabse chheen loon tujhe
Main hamesha ke liye,
bas meri ho kar reh
Itni bhar bas dua hai meri

Tere saaye sang baat karoon,
Teri hansi ke sang naachoon,
Chaahe chali ja kahin bhi tu
Tujh sang bitaaye huye pal
Har pal main wahi sochoon.

Duur lagta nahin hai tu mujh se
Jaane kahin bhi tu chali jaaye
Tujh mein hi rehta hoon main
Yeh raaz jaane chhupega tujh se

Teri rooh pehan kar mujhe neend aati hai
Teri baatein dohraata rehta hoon main
Yaar tu jiye hazaar saal mujhse zyaada
Aisi mohabbat zindagi mein kam hoti hai

Sabse chheen loon tujhe
Tujhse tujhko duur kar doon
Mujh mein mil ja dua ban kar
Tera saaya bhi tujhse chura loon