Random musings after watching Saket Chaudhary's Shaadi Ke Side Effects

Given the fact that I have still to complete the two scripts that I have been paid to write, I have no business to be writing this piece. In fact I have no business to be watching films at all. There is so much to write and very little time. But practicality has never been one of my virtues. So, if you have paid me to write your film and are seething in anger, reading this, kindly accept my unconditional apologies.

My bond with cinema has been very strong. Being a shy introvert guy with self-esteem issues, cinema has been my guiding force in life. When my friends in school had already enrolled for various coaching classes to become an engineer or an entrepreneur, I enrolled in cinema. Having watched RGV's Satya, I decided to become a gangster like Bhiku Mhatre. Owing to the lack of facial hair & a baritone voice, I settled at being a copywriter after watching Sujoy Ghosh's Jhankaar Beats.

A few years later, I watched Saket Chaudhary's Pyaar Ke Side Effects. After Jhankaar, PKSE was my refresher course of falling in and out of love. Between these two films, I was armed to deal with anything that love had to offer. Not to forget Anant Balani's Mumbai Matinee. Before you mean people start making jokes about me being a 30-year old virgin, let me just thank Mr. Pritish Nandy. I owe you a round, kind sir!

Given this back story, I was obviously looking forward to Shaadi Ke Side Effects for more reasons than one. To quote a famous mathematician (who is also my part-time rugby trainer), “Nothing is certain except for death, taxes & marriage.” I am yet to make any sense of what Mr. Dhanasekaran Kuzhandaisamy Sokkalingam meant when he said that, but I think it is profound. If Anupama Chopra, my erstwhile most favourite reviewer, could rate Gunday over Highway… you get the drift?

Coming back to Shaadi Ke Side Effects, I don't really want to ruin it for you by telling you the plot points, the storyline or any of that. Let me just tell you, if you have just been married, about to marry, divorced, are in love, or planning to fall in love, enrolled in the gym to lose your tummy, watched porn, got drunk & cried yourself to sleep on 14th Feb, or had a morbid dark childhood that involved you eating soggy Parle G biscuits dipped in strawberry-flavoured milk, you will connect with this film. Okay, I could be wrong about the Parle G bit, but the rest is correct.

Shaadi Ke Side Effects is a modern day take on life after tying the knot just like Pyaar Ke Side Effects was a modern day take on life before tying the knot. Many of my friends got married not very long ago and whatever few interactions I had with them, I could almost see playing out in SKSE. One of my best friends, Ashish Shrivastava, was recently blessed with a baby, and I could see him in the character played by Farhan Akhtar. The character played by Vidya Balan reminded me of another friend, Payal Shishodia. Now that I have defamed my dearest friends, let me order some beer… Hahaha

Now my own marriage isn't very far off either. Watching Shaadi Ke Side Effects has prepared me for the trauma and grief that awaits me. Before inviting the wrath of Rani (my better half-to-be-after-my-first-film-goes-on-floors), let me just say that I am sure my journey will be happier. I am not very sure about becoming a father at this moment, but I think I will be a good husband. How difficult is it anyway?

I am an ISO 9001:2008 certified dish washer and some people actually think I write good poetry. My sense of humour… hmmm let's not even go there. As they say in Portuguese, let leaping dogs lie. Also, I suck at remembering dates, but each date is a date, isn't it? Wait that didn't even make any sense. May be I could wax eloquent about my sword swallowing skills. No? Ok.

I am good at saying 'sorry'. With or without meaning it. And I have stopped lying entirely. May be I am lying about that, but what the heck. (That is SKSE in a nutshell)

I must say, what timing Mr. Saket Chaudhari - I fell in love during PKSE, now getting married post SKSE. You will go to hell if you ever make Divorce Ke Side Effects. Enough of this shit, bro. Make something else, na… A murder mystery perhaps. Throw in a divorce angle and BINGO your trilogy is complete! I think it is a damn good idea! Dear Saket, if you are wondering how to get in touch with me for any reason other than hurling abuses at me, please drop in a line in the comments section!

I think I should get back to writing my own scripts, now that I have got this monkey off my chest. To the rest in Ramgarh & thereabouts, I just have to say that give Shaadi Ke Side Effects a chance. Just like you took a chance with your girlfriend who is now your wife / your girlfriend who is somebody else's wife now. To quote the famous mathematician (who is also my part-time rugby trainer), Mr. D. K.  Sokkalingam, "Risk toh Spiderman ko bhi lena padta hai." (Loosely translated - conditions apply.)

I leave you with a song from Shaadi Ke Side Effects, which is basically a poetic way of saying sorry.



Thank you.

Love, Magik.

Thank you, 2013!

What a spectacular year 2013 has been. Not that I made my first 100cr film, but still, have never felt in such a happier space before. Not that I live inside a cake, but you get the drift, na? All my passwords contain the four letters - R, A, N & I. My days begin with a goofy smile & end with aching finger tips. I am writing films & beginning to get paid (albeit thoda) to do so too! Who knew… Hopefully you'll read about my films in gossip mags sometime next year. (Many duas needed) 

Have an answer to the dreaded question, "arey, tum shaadi kab kar rahey ho?." I used to avoid people who used to ask me such questions. I used to not take such people's calls. I used to feel depressed. Not any more. This question excites me, makes me smile & makes me write even more. As a drunk Aamir Khan said in Mangal Pandey - The Rising, "Ab life mein settle ho jaana maangta." 

I don't throw stones at cats anymore. One of my friends told me, "yaar tu badal gaya hai, have never seen you like this." I don't listen to sad songs anymore. I have stopped watching 'Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham' altogether. I do, sometimes, listen to the 'Bole chudiyaan' song & do a little gig to it when not sober. I still watch Baghban sometimes & cry like a sissy girl. Somethings don't change. But hey, I haven't renewed my membership of the 'Dukhi Dil Association'.

I am broke most of the time, but I smile proudly as if I have just stepped out of my Audi Q7. I dream of going to Baku (Azerbaijan) & owning The Maserati Quattroporte GTS. I know it is silly, but I know it will happen. Because Rani tells me so. She is such a wonderful person, wonder why she sauntered into my life so late. Better late than never. Can't thank her enough. She makes the best Maggi in the world. The bread-butter-jam that she makes should be made the national breakfast, lunch & dinner.

HAHAHA. Just kidding. She also knows how to boil eggs. I taught her. HAHAHA.

Before she kills me, she makes the BESTESTASTIESTAWESOMEST Peshawari Dal in the world. I can kill for that. I can kick a puppy for that. 

Oh wait, I have stopped doing such nasty things. Sorry, Shaktiman.

Have met some really wonderful people this year… People who I will always love, care for and borrow money from (irrespective of me needing the money or not). Found new confidence in the fact that I can write an entire feature film in less than ten days, I kid you not. I barely thought of myself as a writer; but Rani thinks I write really well. So I write for her. I write for her belief that I can write. Most of my life I only thought the only thing I could do best was - drunk dance to 'Sapne mein milti hai'.

I have stopped 'un-friending' and 'report-spamming' people who don't like the films I love. I have learned to look past them. I just pretend they don't exist. I hope they catch cold. I hope a waiter spits into their soup or something. I know it is not a very good thing to do, par kya bachche ki jaan logy kya? Ek saal mein itna ich milenga. Hope this changes next year.

My first film to hopefully (Again, many duas needed) release stars Sholay, Jhankaar Beats, Satya & Old Monk. That makes me feel very happy. I always wanted my first film to star SRK, but I can live without that. Wonder what kind of reviews my film will get. Hope you kind people in Ramgarh will feel proud and cheer and clap when you see my name on the big screen. Hope Taran Adarsh gives it 3.5 stars. Actually I don't care about Taran and his slimy usool and adarsh.

A 3 star review from Rajeev Masand & Anupama Chopra would make me proud though.

Wonder if you all will  'un-friend' and 'report-spam' me if you don't like my film. Will you give me another chance to prove myself? I don't know about all of you, but Rani will. She loves me, na. Poor girl. HAHAHA.

Here's wishing you all a Merry Christmas & a very many Happy New Year! Pray for me, shower me with duas, love and please lend me money when I ask you. HAHAHA.  I am such a cheapskate, na. Hope 2014 changes that about me. I also want to be all rich & classy like all of you. Amen.